The American Saves Us
6 March 2013
The show starts off with Caleb Gardner striding on stage, smiling from ear to ear, as Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” plays. He stops midstage, with the image of an American Flag fluttering behind him. He looks into the camera with absolute seriousness.
Good evening my fellow Americans. Many of you by now have read the newspaper or seen the reports on CNN about events yesterday. In fact, the only way you’d not know anything about it at all is if you were an illiterate Frenchman. Yes, I know I’ll be getting hate-mail for that one, but I’ve got to speak my mind people. You know I have trouble biting my tongue. That’s why you trust me so much, I’ve read in your letters. You know I’ll always tell you the truth.
The crowd erupts into laughter and applause, mixed in with hoots of approval. Caleb smiles and waits a few seconds before signaling the audience to settle down.
Well, yesterday our planet was brutally attacked by some savage alien known as Torbun. He claims that his son was kidnapped and so that, to his brutal mind, justifies sending thousands of terrible robots of destruction down on our poor planet. From what we can gather, the two greatest heroes of our age, The American and Celestial managed to save our planet, even with the bumbling of the other members of the Knights of Neumond to slow them down.
Now, I won’t stand here and deny the good those rogue cannons have lucked into. They did manage to save the world from The Second Storm… after letting half of our country go up in nuclear flames!
The crowd begins to boo. Caleb lets this go on for a few seconds before continuing.
Call me a bit of an alarmist, but I consider it a particular hazard to the safety of our country and our world to have this lunatics running amuck again. Now, you know that I don’t count The American or Celestial in that statement. Those fine boys have worked hand in hand with the government. They haven’t put themselves in orbit looking down on the rest of us hard working Americans like a certain mistress we all know.
I also consider it particularly hazerdous that we haven’t had a report of the hero who arrived from space. Since when did our planet need protection from the savage races beyond our beautifl sphere? Huh? I think we should tell him what I’ve been saying we should say to the illegals for years now; GET OUT!
Now, we managed to keep our hands on the villains responsible, except for the alien! Somehow he doesn’t have to answer to Earth for his crimes? He has to answer to some alien court? I SAY NO! I want every red-blooded American to join me on the Twitter feeds, Facebook, e-mail, and street protests. We must send a message to the so-called Knights that we demand Earth justice for this criminal.
Now, isn’t that what you want?
The audience erupts into applause before cutting to commercial.